dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dear god my vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
