he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
