new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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