I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
