Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
