You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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