When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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