can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Drake has all the answers
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
