Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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