Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
