it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
