dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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