You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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