I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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