There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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