I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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