I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
