i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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