her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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