He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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