Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
