dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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