she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
