Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
