Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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