remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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