im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
