Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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