i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
