Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
