I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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