the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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