if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
