K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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