i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
