As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Is it because I queefed?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
