I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
