she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
