I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
