i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My balls are so social today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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