he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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