i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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