dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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