You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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