Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
where am i from again
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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