No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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