im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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