I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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