Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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