dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
